I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
