i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
