thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Randomize
