i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
You dont lie about slip and slides
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
