I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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