Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
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