Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
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