that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
the room spins SO much faster in panama
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
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