Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
