i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
