I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
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