His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
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