did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
