Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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