I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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