It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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