I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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