last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
