I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Randomize
