twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Randomize
