I think i sorta joined a cult last night
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
