There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
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