I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
it wasn't lemon gatorade
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Randomize
