I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
