I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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