She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
