my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Randomize
