You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
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