don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
areolas are like halos for boobs.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Randomize
