Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
