I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
