JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
