Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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