god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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