stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Randomize