what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
