things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
