I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I am available for nakedness
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Randomize
