I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I think I just sharted jello shots
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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