my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
