Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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