you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize