i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
