he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
