At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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