and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
You don't make any sense
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