My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
