upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
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