When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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