So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Randomize
