now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Two words: nipple clamps
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