Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Randomize
