he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
false alarm. still invincible.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Randomize