onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
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