Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
