break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
