I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
