$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
