question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
